I made it!

May 9, 2013 § Leave a comment

Today I attempted a running workout for the very first time. You can easily realize I detest cardio workouts. As a result, even this tiny one was hard for me to follow. However, I had the sea by my side, a small breeze stroking my face and the picture of my very handsome man in my mind to keep me going.

So I made it. When I finished the whole thing and got the “well done” notification an instant smile came up (and a couple of watery eyes I have to admit). Joy and fulfillment. I realized at that very moment that all this time I was convinced I was incapable of such a thing. The most amazing sentiment filled my soul and at that very second, this is what I was listening to. What a perfect match (3:36 onward).

I ‘ve been mourning my lost beauty for 10 years now. I’ve decided to meet me again. Can’t wait to introduce myself to my world… I know I’ll fit better this time.

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Try…

May 5, 2013 § Leave a comment

…to take a leap of faith.

The harder it is

the softer your heart.

The softer your heart

the better you are.

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My Black Pool

April 15, 2013 § Leave a comment

Dive in my black pool my friend,

my best of friends.

Just as I wish to lift tiny petals off your burdens,

sipping from your abyss’ booze.

Dive in if you wish to sail away.

Pain is pain and fear is fear,

is also love.

And I ‘ve never been in love before.

To such grace.

Grey Hair

April 11, 2013 § 2 Comments

Grey hair. Not 2-3 but more like 8. I saw them last night in the bathroom’s mirror, I am telling you the truth! Grey roots, sparkling and very strong I may add.

Me last night:

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I have a general fear of ageing, now that facts started kicking I’m kinda horrified. So it is inevitable after all… I noticed the first ones last year or so, I remember Mf asking me how I felt about it but back then I was pretty cool. Maybe I thought they wouldn’t be any more of these spider webs ruining my beloved (very) long hair. Turns out he had a point asking me, predicting my reaction before I could.

I searched the i-nets and found out that smoking, drinking and stress can speed up the process if your genes are set towards that way-the grey way (surprised?). So I panicked, I went to bed thinking which of these factors I can eliminate and well… smoking is very casual already but the rest…hard stuff is hard! Being the narcissist I am, dying my hair is not really an option. I have only done some shades once in my -close to 30- years of life cos I feel like cheating on myself if I change my natural colour (I know… I know). So where does that leave me?

1) I found out I still have a decade before I turn all white headed so that’s somewhat reassuring for now.

2) I can go meet that lady at the super-market who asked me if I was over 18 to sell me some tobacco offer (God bless her!) when I really freak out about the situation.

3) I can rant to Mf about how unfair it is that for guys it’s the epitome of attractiveness but for us it’s more related to retirement.

4) I can say to myself that I may have a few (very few ok??) grey hair, but I had a lot more grey in me when I was younger…

All in all… bring it on!

Barefoot

April 6, 2013 § Leave a comment

I love being barefoot. It’s one of the first little things that dearest ones find out about me. As a kid I remember my dad  saying to my mother: “look, she’s barefoot again! Why are you doing that, you bizarre little thing?”. My mother would naturally come with a pair of socks in her hands which she’d end up finding all over the house. There was lots of sighing regarding the matter and some sassy smile from me as a reply. Me, barefoot, declaring my freedom to all the silly footdressed human creatures!

Mf giggles when he sees me barefoot and points out my habit every single time. That makes me feel like a fairy which is enough reason for me not to ever ever stop! On my last birthday he bought me a pair of fluffy sock-slippers. He suggested that it’s not shoes nor socks so I can still feel free while keeping my feet warm (not too warm though!). I admit at first I doubted that I’d get used to them, however they turned out adorable. As a matter of fact, I used them so much that the poor things are worn out and need to transcend to the realm of memoirs pretty soon. Of course, I still go barefoot when he’s at work and I’m meddling in the kitchen…

It’s my connection with the ground, with earth. When barefoot, your senses are ready, alerted. If it’s summer, those tiny cold signals travel from toes to head renewing you. If it’s winter, walking on warm carpets or even better wooden planks sets the mood for cuddling sessions. Try watering the flowers barefoot. Feel the dead leaves traveling under your feet, water flowing through your toes, you splashing tiny drops everywhere. Dressed with water’s transparency. Who can resist to the relief of the sea after walking on hot burning sand? Is there a faster way to travel back to childhood? Or being barefoot in grain fields, enjoying the tickling game that nature plays with you.

But most of all, it’s about a dream. That one day, I”ll dance barefoot on my captain’s deck. As his banshee queen…

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Night made of words…

April 4, 2013 § Leave a comment

A pile of poems, sweet wine and cognac.

Us, springs made of autumn’s lands.

 

An ode to my PC

March 28, 2013 § Leave a comment

The time has come to say goodbye. It has been quite the journey, hasn’t it. I remember the day your Maker and I brought you home. He had been spending days researching for your bits, cos you had to be perfect-you were to be mine after all. You were designed to be ahead of your time and that’s one of the reasons you lasted so long. But deep in my heart, I know you lasted to make sure I’d find my path.

We started raiding you and I. You watched my rogue evolving from a noobie that was wearing cloth instead of leather (cloth was a robe, doh!) to a toon that was getting the /salute command in org. You watched me as I started losing myself and everyone else… During my darkest times you understood what I needed, even when I had no clue. You gave me your entire space and your entire time. You watched my personas developing and You passed no judgement as I betrayed, sinned, and hit rock bottom day after day, year after year. You were my home inside my home, my refuge. We even spent a New Year’s together that felt more real than the other one, remember? You introduced me to smart guys with pure hearts, easy to manipulate. You weren’t disappointed of me like the rest, you kept your faith. You showed no despair when I stopped meeting expectations. You accepted my emptiness, my deeply hidden anger, my weight and my sorrow. You never asked questions when everyone else did. It was ok to be imperfect with you by my side.

When I started healing, I went away and you never complained. I now know that I chose the right job, I met a man that shows to me what being in love really means and I feel a woman for the first time. I am done with loneliness, she is not my Goddess anymore. I am, finally, growing up. I can now live without you, you’ve done your duty. Even if, like a beloved grandpa, you warm the kitten on your hot tower and you can pull out with decency the moderate use I ask of you nowadays,  it’s my turn to show you the respect you deserve. It’s time to sleep. You were not made for mediocrity. You were made for excellence. You were made for me.

I will keep some of your parts in my treasure box. I hope the rest will transform into something new and that in the end, you’ll be better off without me. Just like your Maker…

R.I.P.

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