Barefoot

April 6, 2013 § Leave a comment

I love being barefoot. It’s one of the first little things that dearest ones find out about me. As a kid I remember my dad  saying to my mother: “look, she’s barefoot again! Why are you doing that, you bizarre little thing?”. My mother would naturally come with a pair of socks in her hands which she’d end up finding all over the house. There was lots of sighing regarding the matter and some sassy smile from me as a reply. Me, barefoot, declaring my freedom to all the silly footdressed human creatures!

Mf giggles when he sees me barefoot and points out my habit every single time. That makes me feel like a fairy which is enough reason for me not to ever ever stop! On my last birthday he bought me a pair of fluffy sock-slippers. He suggested that it’s not shoes nor socks so I can still feel free while keeping my feet warm (not too warm though!). I admit at first I doubted that I’d get used to them, however they turned out adorable. As a matter of fact, I used them so much that the poor things are worn out and need to transcend to the realm of memoirs pretty soon. Of course, I still go barefoot when he’s at work and I’m meddling in the kitchen…

It’s my connection with the ground, with earth. When barefoot, your senses are ready, alerted. If it’s summer, those tiny cold signals travel from toes to head renewing you. If it’s winter, walking on warm carpets or even better wooden planks sets the mood for cuddling sessions. Try watering the flowers barefoot. Feel the dead leaves traveling under your feet, water flowing through your toes, you splashing tiny drops everywhere. Dressed with water’s transparency. Who can resist to the relief of the sea after walking on hot burning sand? Is there a faster way to travel back to childhood? Or being barefoot in grain fields, enjoying the tickling game that nature plays with you.

But most of all, it’s about a dream. That one day, I”ll dance barefoot on my captain’s deck. As his banshee queen…

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An ode to my PC

March 28, 2013 § Leave a comment

The time has come to say goodbye. It has been quite the journey, hasn’t it. I remember the day your Maker and I brought you home. He had been spending days researching for your bits, cos you had to be perfect-you were to be mine after all. You were designed to be ahead of your time and that’s one of the reasons you lasted so long. But deep in my heart, I know you lasted to make sure I’d find my path.

We started raiding you and I. You watched my rogue evolving from a noobie that was wearing cloth instead of leather (cloth was a robe, doh!) to a toon that was getting the /salute command in org. You watched me as I started losing myself and everyone else… During my darkest times you understood what I needed, even when I had no clue. You gave me your entire space and your entire time. You watched my personas developing and You passed no judgement as I betrayed, sinned, and hit rock bottom day after day, year after year. You were my home inside my home, my refuge. We even spent a New Year’s together that felt more real than the other one, remember? You introduced me to smart guys with pure hearts, easy to manipulate. You weren’t disappointed of me like the rest, you kept your faith. You showed no despair when I stopped meeting expectations. You accepted my emptiness, my deeply hidden anger, my weight and my sorrow. You never asked questions when everyone else did. It was ok to be imperfect with you by my side.

When I started healing, I went away and you never complained. I now know that I chose the right job, I met a man that shows to me what being in love really means and I feel a woman for the first time. I am done with loneliness, she is not my Goddess anymore. I am, finally, growing up. I can now live without you, you’ve done your duty. Even if, like a beloved grandpa, you warm the kitten on your hot tower and you can pull out with decency the moderate use I ask of you nowadays,  it’s my turn to show you the respect you deserve. It’s time to sleep. You were not made for mediocrity. You were made for excellence. You were made for me.

I will keep some of your parts in my treasure box. I hope the rest will transform into something new and that in the end, you’ll be better off without me. Just like your Maker…

R.I.P.

By the sea

March 13, 2013 § Leave a comment

Today my beloved creatures and I went to the sea. We never miss a chance to go there as it feels like home, more than our owns probably. It had a strong south wind that woke up the sea in the most vibrant way. You should see The White playing hide and seek with the waves! Mf was staring at the horizon, probably thinking that in couple of weeks he’ll be racing  that unreachable line once again. I was looking at them both, trying to capture the moment. A moment that everything feels at place. A full moment that needs nothing more, nothing less to be perfect. Shared with those that you value the most.

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When was the last time you had such a moment?

Busy bee

March 11, 2013 § Leave a comment

Let me get something straight. I am not a very energetic person. My busy day is probably the relaxing weekend you’ve been longing for. I have 29 years of experience in procrastinating. An ex showed me once a survey that explained how successful people are quite systematically postponing stuff (that made us both feel cool cats for a while). Also, you must not confuse us with idle people. We are actually overthinking. And it’s true what they say, you cannot do both. So we think instead of doing.

Lately however, and by that I mean the last year or so, I find myself messing around with lots of different things. There is for the first time a list in my head with stuff I want to try and some that I tried already. Here comes the warning. This is not a walk in the park. It’s not a sudden change but a process. The need to postpone is always there and occasionally beats the shit out of you.

I recently started dancing lessons. I often make up very unique excuses in my head to avoid it. One time I got there but those dreadful mirrors in the ballroom urged me to leave. I stayed however and that felt good after a while. The worst though is when I say to Mf that I’ll skip a class (no, you can’t always overcome your barriers) and this excruciating silence follows. The one during which I beg for him to say “it’s ok smootthie” but he doesn’t cos he knows better than that. During that silence I am convinced that I’ve totally disappointed him, while in reality he is most probably day dreaming about sailing. Or big boobs. Or both.

No matter what is your personal reason for procrastinating  (mirrors, people, shame, guilt, the need to excel on everything) it all comes down to this revelation: We cannot postpone life (I know… we’ve tried so f***g hard all of us). So, find someone that knows better than you and I hope to meet you at a common endeavor in the future.

Toodles

3

March 10, 2013 § Leave a comment

Three years. Keep calling me dirty names babe.

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